I don't show many people my true feelings very often. Family and certain friends have seen them, but most people see the happy mask I put on. It's so much easier to avoid your feelings rather than trying to work through them. I suppose putting it out there for other people to see makes me vulnerable, but it may also be what I need. I guess it's time for raw emotion.
It's amazing how fast you can go from feeling pretty good about yourself to feeling utterly and completely inadequate. This isn't a new concept to me in any way, but occasionally I think I've got past the hard part and then it turns around, kicks me in the shin and reminds me how much I'm not measuring up. It's actually very emotionally draining. Sometimes I don't understand why this had to be one of my trials in life because I feel like I really can't get through this one.
Growing up I always felt inadequate compared to my friends. They were always skinnier or prettier. I remember one time when I was younger, I had a friend (who I realized later was probably not the best friend to me) go shopping for jeans with me. I was never a tiny girl growing up, which meant I had curves. Anyway, I was going through a pair of jeans on the rack. I was flipping through the sizes when I found my size. I grabbed them off the rack and she said, "You're that size?" Talk about pure humiliation and hurt. She was a size 00, so she must have never seen a real number on her jeans. I still relive that moment sometimes when I'm shopping for clothes. I mean seriously? That was probably in 4th grade! Once boys entered the picture it seemed to only increase my insecurity. I would meet guys and they would be awesome. Then I'd introduce them to my friends. I can't count how many times, after they met my friends, the guys would lose interest and started asking if I could put in a good word for them to my friends. No problem, I've only had a crush on you for years, but sure, I'd love to set you up with my best friend. Super.
Then there is my sister who I feel most inadequate next to, with no fault to her. She truly has been my biggest role model and because of that, it has been quite difficult because I try to live up to her standards. For anyone that knows her, knows that she can do anything she sets her mind to. And not saying she hasn't worked hard for it, but it just seemed that things came so easy to her. She's a designer, a photographer, a painter, a mother, a wood worker, a contractor (for her own home), a computer wiz and she has cute kids. Tell me how that's fair?
Then of course there is the wonderful of bloggers/Pinterest who can truly make anyone feel like you'll never be able to do anything. Maybe not anyone, but definitely me. I just came across a blogger who has three kids, started her own fabric line with her mom and makes multiple quilts in a week. Another blogger who is a mother and has the time to be a photographer, a designer and also buys antiques and completely revamps them to decorate her house for little cost at all!
Are these people seriously real? I can answer that. Yes. Yes, there are truly people out there that can do anything and be great at it. It's a bit nauseating.
I know everyone has their insecurities and everyone will feel inadequate at times. I also wonder if my time of self-doubt, insecurity and feeling inadequate will ever pass. I'm sure it will never go away completely because I'm human and I will always feel like someone is better than me at something. But just once, I want to feel like what I have to offer has value and meaning. It may take some time, but surely is should come. I hope.
Until that time comes, I've been blessed with an amazing husband who does everything he can to make me feel like the most amazing person in the world. I know it's a total cliche` but I truly don't know who I would be or what I would do without his love and support. He truly is my better half.
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