Change is hard..

Last night as I was laying in bed, my mind started to race. I was thinking about how Ethan and I are doing, how his job interview went, will we get accepted into a dental school, how is this baby going to change the dynamic of our family, how is Nixon going to handle it? That's when I lost it. I think it's easy to push off the idea of a baby coming into your family and completely changing everything. Not necessarily in a bad way, just changing. The closer to having this baby the more anxious I've become. I remember telling myself, "Why do people worry about their kid getting a sibling? They'll be fine." But yesterday I had this rush of anxiety come over me. Does Nixon know how much I really love him? Does he know how much I've struggled knowing that he's no longer going to be my favorite little boy, because I can't have favorites anymore? Have I given him enough attention? Have I played with him enough? Have I been kind enough to him? All of these questions and feelings came to me and I didn't know how to process it. The only thing I could do was cry. So I slipped out of bed, quietly went into his room and held his tiny little hand, that wrapped around my finger as soon as he felt it. I sat there in tears as I thought back to all of them memories I have of him. I remember how I felt the moment I saw him after he was born, when his big eyes looked up at me because he know I was his mom. The countless hours those few couple of weeks after he was born that I spent with him on my chest as his slept. The big open-mouth toothless grin that greeted us for months and months until he got teeth. And even more recently, of us cuddling after his afternoon nap for as long as we wanted with no schedule and nothing else that was more important. My heart aches to know that that time is closing for us. It's not longer going to be just me and Nixon.

Will he be ok? I'm sure he will be fine. I love having a big family with lots of siblings, and now their spouses and children. I would have hated being an only child. Will I be ok? Will I live with regret that I didn't do enough when I had the time of just him and I? Probably, but what mother doesn't?

Change is hard, and we're about to have some big changes come, but I just have to remember that it will all be ok. I just need to soak up every minute I have with him, and it will all be ok.