Change is hard..

Last night as I was laying in bed, my mind started to race. I was thinking about how Ethan and I are doing, how his job interview went, will we get accepted into a dental school, how is this baby going to change the dynamic of our family, how is Nixon going to handle it? That's when I lost it. I think it's easy to push off the idea of a baby coming into your family and completely changing everything. Not necessarily in a bad way, just changing. The closer to having this baby the more anxious I've become. I remember telling myself, "Why do people worry about their kid getting a sibling? They'll be fine." But yesterday I had this rush of anxiety come over me. Does Nixon know how much I really love him? Does he know how much I've struggled knowing that he's no longer going to be my favorite little boy, because I can't have favorites anymore? Have I given him enough attention? Have I played with him enough? Have I been kind enough to him? All of these questions and feelings came to me and I didn't know how to process it. The only thing I could do was cry. So I slipped out of bed, quietly went into his room and held his tiny little hand, that wrapped around my finger as soon as he felt it. I sat there in tears as I thought back to all of them memories I have of him. I remember how I felt the moment I saw him after he was born, when his big eyes looked up at me because he know I was his mom. The countless hours those few couple of weeks after he was born that I spent with him on my chest as his slept. The big open-mouth toothless grin that greeted us for months and months until he got teeth. And even more recently, of us cuddling after his afternoon nap for as long as we wanted with no schedule and nothing else that was more important. My heart aches to know that that time is closing for us. It's not longer going to be just me and Nixon.

Will he be ok? I'm sure he will be fine. I love having a big family with lots of siblings, and now their spouses and children. I would have hated being an only child. Will I be ok? Will I live with regret that I didn't do enough when I had the time of just him and I? Probably, but what mother doesn't?

Change is hard, and we're about to have some big changes come, but I just have to remember that it will all be ok. I just need to soak up every minute I have with him, and it will all be ok.

33 Weeks

How far along? 33 weeks

How big is baby? According to my pregnancy app, he's about 17 in. and about 4 pounds (size of a pineapple).

Total weight gain/loss:  35 lbs.

Maternity clothes? Yes.

Sleep: Never enough, but that's how I feel not pregnant. :)

Best moment this week: Hearing that my doctor will induce me before my due date! Holla!!

Movement: Always.

Food cravings:  Nope

Food Aversions: Nope

Gender: It's a boy

Labor Signs:  Nope!

Pregnancy Symptoms:  Hormones and nesting.

Belly Button in or out? It's flat.

What I miss:  Life without pain!

What I am looking forward to: Nothing in particular that I can think of. 

Upcoming appointments/events:  I have an appointment on the 31st.

Milestones: Nothing I can think of. 

32 Weeks

How far along? 32 weeks

How big is baby? According to my pregnancy app, he's about 16.7 in and about 3.75 pounds (size of a jicama).

Total weight gain/loss:  35 lbs.

Maternity clothes? Yep, but most days I just lounge in regular workout clothes that still fit.

Sleep: Sleeping ok. Not amazing, not terrible.

Best moment this week: We've been spending most of our time at the pool and it's been fantastic!

Movement: He's definitely wiggly.

Food cravings:  Nope

Food Aversions: Nope

Gender: It's a boy

Labor Signs:  Nope!

Pregnancy Symptoms:  My feet are starting to swell more. Not terribly, but definitely more noticeable.

Belly Button in or out? It's flat.

What I miss:  Moving how I want without restrictions.

What I am looking forward to: Spending more time in the pool with Nixon. I'm realizing our alone time is getting closer  and closer to ending. :( 

Upcoming appointments/events:  Celebrating 4 years with Ethan, and an appointment the same day.

Milestones: Nothing I can think of.